Juggernauts Befriend Crazy Old Pimp

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Long known for their policy of benevolence, the Juggernaut Elite Squad befriended an old crazy pimp in the streets of Carson City Nevada. We don’t judge. Whether you a pimp or a pope, the Juggernaut is your compadre. Transcripts from the encounter:

Jonny One Thumb: Hey pimp, how’s pimpin’ in these parts?
Pimp: I’m not actually a pimp fellas, I invented mountain biking back in the 70s and now I smoke weed and speak in marathon streams of consciousness.
Dyno: Ha! You can’t fool us brother – how much for Princess Leia?”
Pimp: She’s not a prostitute guys…
Guapo: Tiene burros sexo?
Pimp: That’s messed up bandito. I’m going wander off down this alley which admittedly does make me look even more like a pimp.

And with that the pimp went on his way, richer for knowing the Juggernaut.

Fang and Gorka Race the Wilderness 101, Burst Into Flames

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Despite the fact that temperatures were hotter than those typically found on the face of the sun, Fang and Gorka shunned common sense and decided to race the Wilderness 101. Teeth were gnashed, tears were shed, spontaneous human combustion occurred.

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Gorka and Pookie Night Ops

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Submitted by Pookie:
The Juggernaut ESF, as a secret society, is shadowy in nature and friends with the night. It was therefore right and just for Gorka and Pookie to represent the Juggernaut at the Cranky Monkey Darkside in the suburbs of DC.
As the sun set, the racers took off from a mass start on road to an open grass run-out that funneled into buffed single track. With a slim field, the race opened up quickly. Gorka, never a friend of technology, modern footware, or properly fitting pants, lacked trust in the longevity of his lights and so followed a fellow racer through the dark for most of the course. As the finish line approached, Gorka, true to his cowardly nature, offered the victory to his companion in recognition of the aid of his lights. And so it was that Gorka did not, in fact, “Olsen” this stranger in adherence to Juggernaut bylaws but instead simply rolled onto his back to expose his awful yellow belly.
Gorka: 2nd in Expert Men’s 45+
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In other nocturnal action, where the Juggernaut does some of its greatest magic, Pookie found his place in “Chase 2” tucked behind a veteran rider. Eventually tired of the smell of Tiger Balm musty lederhosen, Pookie moved ahead into the void and raced the second half of the course alone, in a zen-like commune with the spirits of the wood.  Breaking into the open and crossing the finish line to abject silence and not a soul in sight, he wondered if his fellow Juggernaut host had actually made the Rapture or were left behind like him. Moments later, Pookie appeared in the “extended” podium at 5th in Expert Men 44 & Under.

The Legend of Jonny One Thumb

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See, I just happened to be on the West coast a few years back
And I got tired of just roaming around
So I started making my way back to my old hometown.

You know, it was the third night I got stranded
And it was out on a cold lonely singletrack
And as the rain came pouring down, man I was hungry.

But it was just about that time an old mountain bike topped the hill.
At the wheel… well, at the wheel sat a big man
And I’d have to say he must’ve weighed two ten
As he stuck out a big hand and he said with a grin
Jonny One Thumbs the name.

Well, I asked him why he called himself such a name
And you know, he turned to me and said
‘Why son, don’t you know this here thumbs all I need
And there ain’t a rider
No, there ain’t a rider on this or any other singletrack for that matter
That’s seen nothing but the trail of dust from this bike’
So I hopped on the bars and he rode me into town
And I told my stories and Jonny One Thumb told his
And I ate up up all his Babybels as we rolled along.

‘Til almost mysteriously it was the sign of a bike shop that rolled into sight
Jonny turned to me, said ‘I’m sorry son, but I’m afraid this is just as far as you go
You see, I kinda gotta be making a turn just up the trail a piece’
I’ll be damned if he didn’t toss me a dime as he threw her in low and said
‘Go on in there son, and get yourself a  protein bar on Jonny One Thumb.

So I walked into this shop, well I ordered me up a protein bar
Saying ‘Jonny One Thumb’s setting this dude up’…

Well it got so deadly quiet in that place
Yeah, it got so deadly quiet in that place, you could’ve heard a pin drop
And as the mechanics face turned kind of pale I said
‘What’s the matter, did I say something wrong?’ I kind of said with a half way grin
He said, ‘No son, you see it’ll kinda happen every now and then.

Let me tell you what happened just ten years ago out there
Yeah, it was out there on that cold lonely singletrack
There was a whole bunch of kids
And they were just coming from school
And they were right in the trail when Jonny topped the hill
They could’ve been slaughtered except Jonny turned his wheel
And jackknifed, yeah he jackknifed, and he went into a skid
And you know, folks around here, well
They say he gave up his thumb to save that bunch of kids.

But it’s funny you know, cause every now and then
Yeah, every now and then when the moon’s holding water
They say that old Jonny’ll stop and give you a ride
‘So here, son,’ he said to me, ‘you get yourself another protein bar
It’s on the house, I kind of want you to hang on to that dime
Yeah, I kind of want you to hang on to that dime as a souvenir…
I want you to keep that dime as a souvenir of Jonny… Jonny One Thumb.

Pisgah 111 2016 – This One Goes to 11

guapo_podiumDespite it being the monsoon season in the Mid-Atlantic, the Juggernaut convened in Asheville to once again do battle on the Pisgah 111 course and to drink the town dry.

Let’s start with the important stuff. Guapo, the King of Pisgah contender, knocks out a 4th place masters finish at the 111 and then follows up the next day on the podium with a third place finish at the 55 (while everyone else slept in, rode Bent Creek, drank beer, and had a religious zealot try to save our souls which it turns out cannot be done). On the podium he showed off how much beer he was going to drink at the Wedge later that evening by palming a half barrel of beer.

Fang rode off course at aid station 2 and time trialed to Nashville to record a single with Loretta Lynn before regaining the course and wrapping up on Black Mountain/Whoville/The Root Ladder. Only part of that is true. Bad day for Fang, great day for country music fans.fang+lorettaDyno pulled off the most Juggernaut move of all time and flew from the serenity of southern California to the nasty Pisgah 111 race course unannounced to the rest of the Jugg team. An epic level of commitment to the brotherhood. The rest of the Juggernaut should wallow in their shame for eternity. He was unaccounted for on the course for over one hour and was likely grappling with a hellbender salamander which is a real and horrible creature that lives in the bottom of mud puddles. dyno_hellbenderAll that aside, we really did spank this thing. Guapo 4th Masters at 111. Thor 7th Masters at 111. Guapo 3rd Masters at 55. Records were set at the Wedge.

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