Pisgah 111 2016 – This One Goes to 11

guapo_podiumDespite it being the monsoon season in the Mid-Atlantic, the Juggernaut convened in Asheville to once again do battle on the Pisgah 111 course and to drink the town dry.

Let’s start with the important stuff. Guapo, the King of Pisgah contender, knocks out a 4th place masters finish at the 111 and then follows up the next day on the podium with a third place finish at the 55 (while everyone else slept in, rode Bent Creek, drank beer, and had a religious zealot try to save our souls which it turns out cannot be done). On the podium he showed off how much beer he was going to drink at the Wedge later that evening by palming a half barrel of beer.

Fang rode off course at aid station 2 and time trialed to Nashville to record a single with Loretta Lynn before regaining the course and wrapping up on Black Mountain/Whoville/The Root Ladder. Only part of that is true. Bad day for Fang, great day for country music fans.fang+lorettaDyno pulled off the most Juggernaut move of all time and flew from the serenity of southern California to the nasty Pisgah 111 race course unannounced to the rest of the Jugg team. An epic level of commitment to the brotherhood. The rest of the Juggernaut should wallow in their shame for eternity. He was unaccounted for on the course for over one hour and was likely grappling with a hellbender salamander which is a real and horrible creature that lives in the bottom of mud puddles. dyno_hellbenderAll that aside, we really did spank this thing. Guapo 4th Masters at 111. Thor 7th Masters at 111. Guapo 3rd Masters at 55. Records were set at the Wedge.

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El Guapo Takes a Break from Robbing Stage Coaches to Place 4th at Pisgah Stage Race

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Guapo proves again to be the strongest of the Juggernaut. New kit looks freaking nice descending over the rocks and roots in the nastiest of east coast cycling locales. In a post race interview with Univision Guapo was quoted as saying “No podría haber hecho esto sin la ayuda de mi burro de confianza y mi escondite secreto de tequila”.

The now infamous haikus:

Otro día cola dura
Caído al cuarto lugar después de la etapa dos
Mañana épica

Aún cuarto lugar después de tres
Más largo día más difícil hasta el momento
Laurel piloto próxima

Etapa de carrera favorita
En tercer lugar hoy con cargo Laurel
Farlow mañana

En cuarto lugar Masters gato
El amor y la raza Pisgah Pisgah
Los hombres fuertes también lloran

Strong men also cry. Strong men… also cry.

 

Shamanistic Rituals and Blitzing the Slickrock

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White Dynamite stood in the center of the room, swaying from side to side, chanting, “great sky, please come here.” His eyes were closed, and he gripped a cluster of multicolored cloth strips. His voice was rough and the melody repetitive, like an ancient ballad. “Oh, my spirit, I would ride ten Mongolian cows to see you,” he roared.

Six of us had gathered around, sitting on stools pushed up against the walls of our St. George mountain bike dojo. It was just after midday, the “horse hour,” according to the zodiac clock. For White Dynamite the noon hour is the perfect time to go on an otherworldly ride. “Sky of the wolf, please help me, a man in need, with a heart of peace. Great sky, please enter our dojo.” Juniper twigs burning in a cast-iron stove gave off a fragrant scent; the smoke is believed to attract spirits. Blankets draped on the walls to keep in the heat made the room seem even smaller, and in the corner opposite the door was a collection of amulets, figurines, colored scarves, bits of cloth, and other talismans—a shrine to White Dynamite’s guardian spirits.

Suddenly he collapsed. Two helpers caught him, and he gave a wolflike howl. Then he cackled like the villain in a horror movie. “The spirit has entered him,” Pookie, whispered.

And so began our 2016 conquest of the Desert Southwest. Juggernaut style. Mercedes sprinter van, dyno-sized lodging, and case upon case upon case of beer. We banged out our respective 50s on the True Grit course and then hit the high country for Jem, Cryptobionic, Hurricane Rim, and Gooseberry jam sessions.

Results: Guapo, 7th in Masters 40; Fang, 7th in Masters 50; rest of us… we were there.

Oh, and we met this lunatic and unwittingly became embroiled in a community dispute over a huge metal bull dong:

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This is where we pedalled:

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Editors note: As is our practice at Juggernaut HQ, this entry has been heavily plagiarized.