El Guapo Takes Time Out from Skinning Mule Carcasses to Become King of Pisgah

pdd_2015-6El Guapo pretty much made the entire Juggs squad look like a bunch of squirming little zygote piles of wussbag nothingness by completing the epic journey from mere man to King of Pisgah. He had to do a ton of awful sh*t to accomplish it including the Double Dare last weekend where he got on the podium with a Dale’s Pale and said “suck on this universe.” He also won a belt buckle.

Post race, sitting on a burro and drinking from a ceramic jug with three x’s on it, Guapo laid out the DD format:

“The race starts at 12 noon on Saturday and you have 12 hours to reach up to 10 checkpoints,” he said in mangled English barely comprehensible to a modern human. “But first you must complete a time trial to even get your passport book (this year’s time trial was just over 13 miles and took us 1h:37m). Once you have your passport, you have the rest of the day to reach as many checkpoints as you can. This ends at midnight and then starts again at 6am on Sunday, where you have another 12 hours to reach 10 new checkpoints (but no time trial on day 2). And in case you’re worried about not getting enough sleep in between, there’s a short track race at midnight worth an additional 0.5 checkpoints. There’s also music and beer and a selection of fine Guatemalan women to dance with.”

“Unlike PMBAR there’s no map clues provided, just a description of the checkpoint (like a trail location or intersection).  You can reach the checkpoints in any order just like PMBAR, but here there’s nothing at the checkpoints to tell you that it is actually a checkpoint. You need to take a picture of the trail sign or landmark to prove you were there (and hope it’s right). The team with the most check points wins flat out, not fastest time with bonuses like PMBAR. Time is only used if there is a tie with number of checkpoints.”

Checkpoint totals after 2 days =  19.5 checkpoints (9 CPS’s day #1, 0.5 for short track, and 10 CP’s day #2).

Stats:  137 miles, 20,500 ft of elevation, 22h:23m elapsed time

Finished in true Juggernaut fashion with no rear brake the last day, and no rear derailleur cable for the last 10 miles. Score one for Guapo.  pdd_route-1pdd_route-2image1

Angry Cernich Won’t Eat His Cereal

angry_c_1 angry_c_2

Submitted by Gorka:

Once again MORE serves up another great MOCO Epic for 2015.  Getting a little rain a few days prior, the trails were just tacky enough to allow the Juggernaut crew to smoke this course down to the roach clip.  Gorka, Angry Cernich, and new Juggernaut initiate Jason Sliwa (aka Pookie), rolled out onto the course at the break of dawn through the morning mist to spend the next 7 hours and 40 minutes riding some of the most buff and flowy single track in the region.  With a rushed handshake and gentlemen’s agreement to ride a reasonable pace (this would be Cernich’s longest distance on the mountain bike and Pookie hadn’t been on one in three years) – that plan was quickly derailed when we crossed paths at aid station 1 with East Coast Dickey and a posse of riders that had begun their ride from DC. Though bourbon and bacon provided a temporary boost at aid station 2, we had to dial it back and bid Dickey and the boys farewell and settle into our own pace that would guide us through the rest of the day.  All in all a fantastic day for the Juggernaut crew with 69.4 miles and 4,739 feet of elevation gain. The stats for the event aren’t bad either: 776 riders, 31,875 miles, 9 aid stations, and 70 cases of beer.

MoCo-1700-(ZF-5035-67466-1-001) MoCo-1702-(ZF-5035-67466-1-002)

Straight Outta Brompton

It was just a matter of time before the Juggernaut had a World Champion on their hands. Fang will be wearing the rainbow stripes of the Brompton Veteran World Champion in 2016. Hell, we’re all going to be wearing the rainbow stripes. We’re World Champions through osmosis. The race went down like this: Fang unfolded his bike and put down 10 miles of raw power in the rain while wearing a purple tux. That’s the whole story.

11875291_454931738048735_457052506_n 11856843_746303692168888_51763407_n 11881902_926546667418980_990562830_n

Fang vs SM100 – The Shaolin Principle

Founded on principle, the Juggernaut is swift and unyielding in its judgments.  After two night rides without a flask, Fang banished himself to the unrelenting hell of the Shenandoah Mountain 100.  His sentence to ride and finish with a Juggernaut flask full of bourbon – untouched until the race was done.

During the crucible of the death climb Fang had a vision that revealed the principles that shall guide the ESF on the path to Shaolin Mastery.  It came in an encounter with Shaolin Jones – like Basketball Jones, but different, and not Eggtooth Jones – the two shouldn’t be confused.  The encounter thus:
Fang: Teacher?
Shaolin Jones:see your talents have gone beyond the mere physical level. Your skills are now at the point of spiritual insight. I have several questions. What is the highest technique you hope to achieve?
Fang: To find the path to Shaolin Mastery and to have no technique, only mojo. And eat sandwiches and premium Babybel cheeses.
Shaolin Jones: Very good. What are your thoughts when facing an opponent?
Fang: There is no opponent. Only the ESF.
Shaolin Jones: And why is that?
Fang: Because many fear the ESF, and we achieve.
Shaolin Jones: So, continue…
Fang: The ESF is louche and misunderstood and feared and benevolent, and principled. Never tense, always ready. Not thinking, yet not dreaming. Ready for whatever may come. When the ESF expands, the galaxy contracts. When the galaxy contracts, the ESF expands. And when there is an opportunity, the ESF biases towards spectacle with a modicum of performance. We float, we vibrate, look at us now…
Shaolin Jones: Now, you must remember: the enemy has only images and illusions behind which he hides his true motives. Destroy the image and you will break the enemy.
Fang: You are wise Shaolin Jones. I will now go to seek Shaolin Mastery, following the path, and living the principles.  Uh, hey – could you text me the Principles?
Shaolin Jones: yes, live the Principle and the path to Mastery will show itself to you.
Fang: Awesome. Thanks Shaolin Jones. 

The Shaolin Principles

  • 劍聖彎曲在風再扣回用武力 (A Juggernaut bends in the wind, then snaps back with forc
  • 仁者你是 (Benevolent be)
  • 呼吸。不要忘了波旁 (Breathe – and do not forget the bourbon)
  • 自然運動和夜間騎馬和微調整持有的所有關鍵 (Natural movement and night riding and micro-adjustments holds all key)
  • 是不是有 (Be not there)
  • 超自然在您的想法,並在精英自己的行為 (Be supernatural in your thoughts, and elite in your actions)
  • 奇觀。而性能一點點 (Spectacle. And a little bit of performance)
  • 保持試劑盒 從不損害試劑盒的任何其他 (Maintain the kit, never compromising the kit to any other)
  • 劍聖的目的不是為了打架,而是羞辱他們的對手,他們喝啤酒,並竊取他們的女朋友。這是所有 (Juggernaut’s purpose is not to fight, but to humiliate their rivals, drink their beer, and steal their girlfriends. That is all)
  • 以質取勝是自我的一種表達。不惜一切代價 (The idea, “to win,” is an expression of ego – win at all cost)
  • 該志是精神的動物 並遵循心靈的和諧的氣息 (The chi is the spirit animal and follows the mind in harmony with the breath)
  • 沒有技術,只有魔力 (No technique, only mojo)
  • 據說,是聲名狼藉。你不要反悔聲名狼藉……又像風,火,大地和石頭…. (It is said, be louche. Be unrepentantly louche … and like wind, and flame, and earth and stone…)


Now please watch Kung Fu Hustle in its entirety: