Police in Florida are crediting a recent surge in baby sea manatee interest for their willingness to rescue 19 of the creatures that had accidentally wedged themselves in local drain pipes seeking warmth.
“It’s been cold lately and these canals are all filled with baby sea manatees and cobras,” Fire Chief Don Hughes said. “I wouldn’t even begin to venture a guess as to how the manatees got into the drainage pipes. Thank God for the Juggernaut and their benevolent nature. If a baby sea manatee wrapped in a cobra wasn’t their collective spirit animal we probably would have left them in there and gone jet skiing.”
Acting on a tip from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, municipal workers found the manatees in the drainpipe at around 3 p.m. Local police and fire agencies engaged a complex telepathic mind meld with Juggernaut leadership to speak with the animals during their confinement in the drainage pipe.
“We thought there would be more cobras,” said Hughes.
Onlookers cheered as the manatees were pulled out of the drain on huge stretchers.
“My mother just got here from Ohio,” said C.J. Miller. “We heard that the Juggernaut had adopted baby sea manatees wrapped in cobras as their spirit animal and we decided to come to see what was happening. She’s never seen a baby sea manatee. Or a cobra. Or a baby sea manatee wrapped in a cobra.”
Juggernaut Shaolin Master Challenge announced. The 16 stages to glory. The be all end all. Most likely will need to kill a hydra. And clean the Augean Stables. A challenge taller than Everest, and deeper than the trench the guy who directed Terminator went into in his underwater Kia Sephia.
Not since Sussudio has a song more deftly captured the inner workings of modern man. His desires. His struggles. His triumph over stuff. “There Goes the ESF”, the drinking song of the Juggernaut, was debuted at the 2015 winter gathering last night. Next time you’re in the wilderness don’t be surprised to hear the strains of lilting Juggernaut voices drifting along with the wind. Also planned was the complete and utter dominance of everything. Sandwich. Dominated. Bike race. Dominated. Vacation. Dominated. Everybody just stand back.
Put three Juggernauts and a case of beer within the state lines of West Virginia and you have yourself a winter training camp. Big rides up on Long Mountain and Mill Mountain (aka Demons are Real / Kicker of Elves / Smothered in Hugs). Gorka and Dyno came away slightly more tweaked and mangled than when they arrived. Decisions with huge ramifications for the 2015 season were made. Bonfires were lit. Bourbon was consumed. All was right with the universe.
The Juggernaut debuted new apres ride apparel in the form of the long rumored “Baby Sea Manatee Wrapped in a Cobra / Spirit Animal” t-shirt. In addition, as part of a “two-prong marketing blitz”, negotiations have begun with Lemmy from Motorhead to serve as brand ambassador for the Juggernaut. For real.
Wenn siemounsainbiken, bier undgroße brüstemögen, danndieses jahrMOCOEpicwurdespeziell für sie gebaut.JuggernautElite SquadfahrerFang,Gorka, und Thorgenossenalle aspekte derfahrt.Wie immer, waren siedie ersten kundenauf derhilfe-Station 1Biergarten.Die frauleinwurden vonder kraft desJuggernautverliebt. Sie batenuns, zu bleiben undfüllen unserejowls, bisinhalten warenesfeinebiereund genießenihregeschmeidigebrüste.Aber wirnein gesagt. Wir müssenfahren.Das ist, wasdieJuggernautzu tun.Und sie weinten.
Viele derJuggernautabwesend warenvon der fahrt, weil sietraurig, traurigmänner.Ihreausreden fürnicht reitenes viele:
“Ich habe einenpapierschnittauf meinem penis“
“Meine muttersagte, ich kannnichtmit den realenJuggernautsfahren, bis ichbin ein mann,und ich binnoch nichtein mann“.
Sky Chicken, long missing from the Juggernaut ranks, broadcast a 14-minute long diatribe from an unknown location this afternoon, likely from deep in the mountainous regions of Appalachia or the western high plains. Given the clues in the background of the footage it appears he is in some sort of awful lair of madness.