Complaints

If you feel you have been wronged by Juggernaut ESF and would like to file a complaint, please use our Cyber Complaint Receptacle to do so. Indicators that you might have a genuine complaint include:

  • All of your beer is gone.
  • Your girlfriend is pensive and distant.
  • You have feelings of self doubt.

Anything outside of this list is probably your own problem and should be buried deep inside and never talked about.

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7 thoughts on “Complaints

  1. One on your guys…”Gorka” I think someone called him. Rode past me during the MoCo Epic and he smelled like cabbage. Fix it please…stinks.

    • Jen, thank you for your complaint. As we all know, Gorka smells like yak pelt because of his undergarments, not cabbage. It may be that seeing Gorka makes you think of cabbage, and that this thought triggers the olfactory sensation you’ve experienced. Our advice is that you go on a vision quest, perhaps in a traditional native american smoke hut, and focus on leafy vegetation while you are in there. The answer will come when you are ready.

  2. Submitted:

    A few years ago, two Juggernauts raided my liquor cabinet and drank 75% of a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle 15. The extinct bottle’s content(s) would be 19 years old this December and thus worth 19/20ths – or 95% – of a 20, which, according to a recent NYT article is going at auction for $1190/bottle (a.k.a., market value), or $1130.50 before taxes. By my calculations, these two scofflaws drank $847.88 in 2013 dollars worth of my finest corn-based liquor, or $423.94 per booze fish. How do I get reparations?

    • To start, what has been done cannot be undone. Perhaps you should consider a not so obvious fact of this incident. These two “booze fishes” apparently have incredibly good taste. [Editors note: “booze fishes” is racist in many cultures and the use of it will not be tolerated on this blog henceforth] Perhaps these “scofflaws” were the only people at your party worthy of premium booze. We suggest that you send them a thank you card.

      • I always thought booze fish was a compliment. Gotta stop using that in the office, guess that’s why i’m stuck in middle management. Thanks Juggs for bettering my career!

  3. How could I have been so selfish and shortsighted? You’re right … please send my thanks to the booze fi… I mean, PVW swilling superheroes!!! I feel so fortunate.
    Thanks Mr. ESF!

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