And the Winner of the Annual Juggernaut Golden Cobblestone is…

The Juggernaut Golden Cobblestone traveling award is given to the team rider who has most clearly displayed true Juggernaut qualities during the previous calendar year. The award is kept in the possession of the recipient for the duration of one year at which point it is passed to the next winner. The prize is typically displayed in a prominent place such as the dashboard of a car or in a metal cage attached to a rope chain worn around the neck. The value of the Golden Cobble is estimated to be in excess of $100,000*.

The 2016 winner of the Juggernaut Golden Cobblestone is White Dynamite for traveling under cloak of secrecy from California to North Carolina to the Pisgah 111 race course unannounced to his team mates. He didn’t have to do it. He could have just stayed in Laguna Beach where its always nice. But no, while many Juggernauts sat the race out, probably doing sad or socially unacceptable activities instead, Dyno got himself to the line and rode to glory. It was the greatest display of Juggernaut swagger this year and for that, Dyno is regaled with our highest honor.

Second place goes to El Guapo who was on the podium every weekend and continues to be the most legit rider on the team.
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Third place goes to Fang who made his hand look like his foot.
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To the runners up and the rest of the Jugg brethren, as they say in the place where everything rhymes, “tough titty little kitty”. Better luck next year suckers.

*Cobblestone value may vary by $100,000. Actual cobblestone was found in Rock Creek Park moments after Angry Cernich flipped over a log during a night ride and smashed his nuts.

Juggernauts Detained in Elaborate Sting Operation

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During the 2016 MOCO Epic the Juggernaut ESF was momentarily detained in an elaborate sting operation by several women with fake mustaches and futuristic pistols after being lured into a wooded area with free beer. A devious yet effective method of entrapment. Feeling pleasantly buzzed yet wary of further persecution, the Juggernaut made quick work of the remaining ride and gave the MOCO trails a much deserved spanking.

Pookie, unaware of the impending police raid:img_1248img_1245

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The Legend of Jonny One Thumb

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See, I just happened to be on the West coast a few years back
And I got tired of just roaming around
So I started making my way back to my old hometown.

You know, it was the third night I got stranded
And it was out on a cold lonely singletrack
And as the rain came pouring down, man I was hungry.

But it was just about that time an old mountain bike topped the hill.
At the wheel… well, at the wheel sat a big man
And I’d have to say he must’ve weighed two ten
As he stuck out a big hand and he said with a grin
Jonny One Thumbs the name.

Well, I asked him why he called himself such a name
And you know, he turned to me and said
‘Why son, don’t you know this here thumbs all I need
And there ain’t a rider
No, there ain’t a rider on this or any other singletrack for that matter
That’s seen nothing but the trail of dust from this bike’
So I hopped on the bars and he rode me into town
And I told my stories and Jonny One Thumb told his
And I ate up up all his Babybels as we rolled along.

‘Til almost mysteriously it was the sign of a bike shop that rolled into sight
Jonny turned to me, said ‘I’m sorry son, but I’m afraid this is just as far as you go
You see, I kinda gotta be making a turn just up the trail a piece’
I’ll be damned if he didn’t toss me a dime as he threw her in low and said
‘Go on in there son, and get yourself a  protein bar on Jonny One Thumb.

So I walked into this shop, well I ordered me up a protein bar
Saying ‘Jonny One Thumb’s setting this dude up’…

Well it got so deadly quiet in that place
Yeah, it got so deadly quiet in that place, you could’ve heard a pin drop
And as the mechanics face turned kind of pale I said
‘What’s the matter, did I say something wrong?’ I kind of said with a half way grin
He said, ‘No son, you see it’ll kinda happen every now and then.

Let me tell you what happened just ten years ago out there
Yeah, it was out there on that cold lonely singletrack
There was a whole bunch of kids
And they were just coming from school
And they were right in the trail when Jonny topped the hill
They could’ve been slaughtered except Jonny turned his wheel
And jackknifed, yeah he jackknifed, and he went into a skid
And you know, folks around here, well
They say he gave up his thumb to save that bunch of kids.

But it’s funny you know, cause every now and then
Yeah, every now and then when the moon’s holding water
They say that old Jonny’ll stop and give you a ride
‘So here, son,’ he said to me, ‘you get yourself another protein bar
It’s on the house, I kind of want you to hang on to that dime
Yeah, I kind of want you to hang on to that dime as a souvenir…
I want you to keep that dime as a souvenir of Jonny… Jonny One Thumb.

Fang vs SM100 – The Shaolin Principle

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Founded on principle, the Juggernaut is swift and unyielding in its judgments.  After two night rides without a flask, Fang banished himself to the unrelenting hell of the Shenandoah Mountain 100.  His sentence to ride and finish with a Juggernaut flask full of bourbon – untouched until the race was done.

During the crucible of the death climb Fang had a vision that revealed the principles that shall guide the ESF on the path to Shaolin Mastery.  It came in an encounter with Shaolin Jones – like Basketball Jones, but different, and not Eggtooth Jones – the two shouldn’t be confused.  The encounter thus:
Fang: Teacher?
Shaolin Jones:see your talents have gone beyond the mere physical level. Your skills are now at the point of spiritual insight. I have several questions. What is the highest technique you hope to achieve?
Fang: To find the path to Shaolin Mastery and to have no technique, only mojo. And eat sandwiches and premium Babybel cheeses.
Shaolin Jones: Very good. What are your thoughts when facing an opponent?
Fang: There is no opponent. Only the ESF.
Shaolin Jones: And why is that?
Fang: Because many fear the ESF, and we achieve.
Shaolin Jones: So, continue…
Fang: The ESF is louche and misunderstood and feared and benevolent, and principled. Never tense, always ready. Not thinking, yet not dreaming. Ready for whatever may come. When the ESF expands, the galaxy contracts. When the galaxy contracts, the ESF expands. And when there is an opportunity, the ESF biases towards spectacle with a modicum of performance. We float, we vibrate, look at us now…
Shaolin Jones: Now, you must remember: the enemy has only images and illusions behind which he hides his true motives. Destroy the image and you will break the enemy.
Fang: You are wise Shaolin Jones. I will now go to seek Shaolin Mastery, following the path, and living the principles.  Uh, hey – could you text me the Principles?
Shaolin Jones: yes, live the Principle and the path to Mastery will show itself to you.
Fang: Awesome. Thanks Shaolin Jones. 

The Shaolin Principles

  • 劍聖彎曲在風再扣回用武力 (A Juggernaut bends in the wind, then snaps back with forc
  • 仁者你是 (Benevolent be)
  • 呼吸。不要忘了波旁 (Breathe – and do not forget the bourbon)
  • 自然運動和夜間騎馬和微調整持有的所有關鍵 (Natural movement and night riding and micro-adjustments holds all key)
  • 是不是有 (Be not there)
  • 超自然在您的想法,並在精英自己的行為 (Be supernatural in your thoughts, and elite in your actions)
  • 奇觀。而性能一點點 (Spectacle. And a little bit of performance)
  • 保持試劑盒 從不損害試劑盒的任何其他 (Maintain the kit, never compromising the kit to any other)
  • 劍聖的目的不是為了打架,而是羞辱他們的對手,他們喝啤酒,並竊取他們的女朋友。這是所有 (Juggernaut’s purpose is not to fight, but to humiliate their rivals, drink their beer, and steal their girlfriends. That is all)
  • 以質取勝是自我的一種表達。不惜一切代價 (The idea, “to win,” is an expression of ego – win at all cost)
  • 該志是精神的動物 並遵循心靈的和諧的氣息 (The chi is the spirit animal and follows the mind in harmony with the breath)
  • 沒有技術,只有魔力 (No technique, only mojo)
  • 據說,是聲名狼藉。你不要反悔聲名狼藉……又像風,火,大地和石頭…. (It is said, be louche. Be unrepentantly louche … and like wind, and flame, and earth and stone…)

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Now please watch Kung Fu Hustle in its entirety: