The Juggernaut Golden Cobblestone traveling award is given to the team rider who has most clearly displayed true Juggernaut qualities during the previous calendar year. The award is kept in the possession of the recipient for the duration of one year at which point it is passed to the next winner. The prize is typically displayed in a prominent place such as the dashboard of a car or in a metal cage attached to a rope chain worn around the neck. The value of the Golden Cobble is estimated to be in excess of $100,000*.
The 2016 winner of the Juggernaut Golden Cobblestone is White Dynamite for traveling under cloak of secrecy from California to North Carolina to the Pisgah 111 race course unannounced to his team mates. He didn’t have to do it. He could have just stayed in Laguna Beach where its always nice. But no, while many Juggernauts sat the race out, probably doing sad or socially unacceptable activities instead, Dyno got himself to the line and rode to glory. It was the greatest display of Juggernaut swagger this year and for that, Dyno is regaled with our highest honor.
Second place goes to El Guapo who was on the podium every weekend and continues to be the most legit rider on the team.
Third place goes to Fang who made his hand look like his foot.
To the runners up and the rest of the Jugg brethren, as they say in the place where everything rhymes, “tough titty little kitty”. Better luck next year suckers.
*Cobblestone value may vary by $100,000. Actual cobblestone was found in Rock Creek Park moments after Angry Cernich flipped over a log during a night ride and smashed his nuts.
Despite it being the monsoon season in the Mid-Atlantic, the Juggernaut convened in Asheville to once again do battle on the Pisgah 111 course and to drink the town dry.
Let’s start with the important stuff. Guapo, the King of Pisgah contender, knocks out a 4th place masters finish at the 111 and then follows up the next day on the podium with a third place finish at the 55 (while everyone else slept in, rode Bent Creek, drank beer, and had a religious zealot try to save our souls which it turns out cannot be done). On the podium he showed off how much beer he was going to drink at the Wedge later that evening by palming a half barrel of beer.
Fang rode off course at aid station 2 and time trialed to Nashville to record a single with Loretta Lynn before regaining the course and wrapping up on Black Mountain/Whoville/The Root Ladder. Only part of that is true. Bad day for Fang, great day for country music fans.Dyno pulled off the most Juggernaut move of all time and flew from the serenity of southern California to the nasty Pisgah 111 race course unannounced to the rest of the Jugg team. An epic level of commitment to the brotherhood. The rest of the Juggernaut should wallow in their shame for eternity. He was unaccounted for on the course for over one hour and was likely grappling with a hellbender salamander which is a real and horrible creature that lives in the bottom of mud puddles. All that aside, we really did spank this thing. Guapo 4th Masters at 111. Thor 7th Masters at 111. Guapo 3rd Masters at 55. Records were set at the Wedge.
El Guapo pretty much made the entire Juggs squad look like a bunch of squirming little zygote piles of wussbag nothingness by completing the epic journey from mere man to King of Pisgah. He had to do a ton of awful sh*t to accomplish it including the Double Dare last weekend where he got on the podium with a Dale’s Pale and said “suck on this universe.” He also won a belt buckle.
Post race, sitting on a burro and drinking from a ceramic jug with three x’s on it, Guapo laid out the DD format:
“The race starts at 12 noon on Saturday and you have 12 hours to reach up to 10 checkpoints,” he said in mangled English barely comprehensible to a modern human. “But first you must complete a time trial to even get your passport book (this year’s time trial was just over 13 miles and took us 1h:37m). Once you have your passport, you have the rest of the day to reach as many checkpoints as you can. This ends at midnight and then starts again at 6am on Sunday, where you have another 12 hours to reach 10 new checkpoints (but no time trial on day 2). And in case you’re worried about not getting enough sleep in between, there’s a short track race at midnight worth an additional 0.5 checkpoints. There’s also music and beer and a selection of fine Guatemalan women to dance with.”
“Unlike PMBAR there’s no map clues provided, just a description of the checkpoint (like a trail location or intersection). You can reach the checkpoints in any order just like PMBAR, but here there’s nothing at the checkpoints to tell you that it is actually a checkpoint. You need to take a picture of the trail sign or landmark to prove you were there (and hope it’s right). The team with the most check points wins flat out, not fastest time with bonuses like PMBAR. Time is only used if there is a tie with number of checkpoints.”
Checkpoint totals after 2 days = 19.5 checkpoints (9 CPS’s day #1, 0.5 for short track, and 10 CP’s day #2).
Stats: 137 miles, 20,500 ft of elevation, 22h:23m elapsed time
Finished in true Juggernaut fashion with no rear brake the last day, and no rear derailleur cable for the last 10 miles. Score one for Guapo.
Mention the words Pisgah 111 in Juggernaut company and you will get a mixed set of reactions. Some will tell stories of a land that time forgot and root ladders that ascend into the clouds. Others will crack a wry smile and tell you of punishing climbs, fast technical descents, and bottomless coolers of burritos at the finish. All will visibly cringe when recalling a finish line stunt that may prove to outweigh the greatest misdeeds against humanity that history has ever witnessed. Bottom line, the 111 is a nasty mofo.
But quite possibly the only thing nastier than the Pisgah 111 itself is having to race its little brother the Pisgah 55.5 the following day. They call it the Double Dare. Although the 55 is only half the distance, it packs more than ¾ of the climbing of the previous day’s 111. In total the two races equal over 100 miles of distance and 18,000+ feet of elevation in the unforgiving Pisgah backcountry — including back-to-back days finishing on the horrific Laurel Mountain/ Pilot Rock/ Black Mountain route of death and despair.
Guapo was asked in a pre-race interview what he thought his chances were for finishing the back to back challenges:
“It is much easier on a bike than say on a burro, or an old mining cart. I’ve got this,” he said in a voice that sounds like Tuco from the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
Although there were some dark moments in the primordial forest, Guapo was able to bring glory to the ESF with bike and self physically, if not mentally, intact. Another step in the quest for King of Pisgah bragging rights.
El Guapo Results:
Day 1 – Pisgah 111K: 22nd place overall, 4th place Masters (7hr 56min)
Day 2 – Pisgah 55.5K: 13th place overall, 3rd place Masters (5hr 18min)
Editors note: Proper podium technique. El Guapo is too busy drinking beer to get out of the blackout kit.
The race report from El Guapo:
La carrera cubrió casi todos sendero clásico en Pisga. Cada día era un sistema de áreas / sendero diferente. Las cosas empezaron bien. Día 1 Tengo segundo en el Masters. Día 2 Me resbalé un poco, pero terminando cuarto y bajando a tercera acumulativo. Día 3 se puso mejor, terminé con un fuerte tercero y solidificó mi 3er puesto en la general de nuevo. Las cosas se veían bien. Pasé los primeros 3 noches en el podio de rotación entre mis 2 Juggernaut camisetas para las fotos (… ya que nuestros equipos no están en todavía!). Las cosas se ven bien … hasta el día 4. La lluvia había sido un factor de toda la semana y el día 2 solo yo fuimos a través de 2 pares de pastillas de freno y un nuevo rotor delantero. Creo que mi moto estaba cayendo lentamente aparte (el mismo que no quería llevar al Valor de ley porque pensé que no iba a sobrevivir … De alguna manera pensé que sería ahora sobreviven con 5 días de Pisga su lugar). De todos modos, las ruedas se desprendieron en el Día 4 … o debería decir la rueda trasera encerrado, literalmente. Tengo un DNF después de no llegar más allá del punto de verificación # 1, donde el mecánico pasó 45 minutos rascándose la cabeza. Yo estaba bastante fuera de la carrera en general en este punto y fuera del podio por esa etapa y el resto de ellos. Mi bicicleta fue básicamente se retiró en ese momento, ya que no había aún permanecía marco y los temas de la horquilla. Afortunadamente, tenía una bicicleta nueva en el orden y era capaz de utilizar que en el Día 5. quinta Terminado en la última etapa y cayó al séptimo general. Todavía una semana increíble a pesar de los contratiempos!
The Juggernaut extends a warm welcome to our new teammate – El Guapo.
Hometown: Gran Salamandar de Muerte Basin
Race day diet: bison chunks
Favorite cycling item: horsehair poncho/aztec amulet
Race day soundtrack: lamentations of the women
Hobbies: prison arson, looting