Gorka Gets Drunk and Sleeps in Van During Gran Fondo

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And you may find yourself sleeping in the back of a van
And you may find yourself with a serious morning buzz
And you may find yourself using your socks for a pillow
And you may ask yourself
Well…How did I get here?

While much of the Juggernaut site content is based in outright lies, the story of the 2016 Jeremiah Bishop Gran Fondo is easy to tell. Thor and Pookie knocked out 107 miles of the best of the best, Gorka got drunk and slept in his van.

Click to check out the route:screen-shot-2016-10-12-at-9-16-17-pm

Enjoy the gallery of Pook:

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Juggernaut Riders Come Within Two Hours of Winning 18th Annual SM100

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Juggernaut, you must be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way through it. Outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless and shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. If you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle. If you put a Juggernaut into the SM100, it becomes the SM100. Be water, Juggernaut. Be the SM100.

It was with these spiritual words of guidance that the Jugg Elite Squad tackled the 18th Annual SM100. El Guapo, Happy Fun Ball, Thor, Gorka, and Pook were all narrowly edged out of the win by a slim 2 hour margin. At the finish, as the top 10 finishers were sealed back into their hyperbaric chambers by their handlers the Juggernauts pounded beer into wee hours of night under an endless blanket of stars begging the question – who were the real winners?

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Awwww yeah, drone footage:

Check out this badass flyover:screen-shot-2016-09-15-at-3-35-07-pm

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Fang vs SM100 – The Shaolin Principle

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Founded on principle, the Juggernaut is swift and unyielding in its judgments.  After two night rides without a flask, Fang banished himself to the unrelenting hell of the Shenandoah Mountain 100.  His sentence to ride and finish with a Juggernaut flask full of bourbon – untouched until the race was done.

During the crucible of the death climb Fang had a vision that revealed the principles that shall guide the ESF on the path to Shaolin Mastery.  It came in an encounter with Shaolin Jones – like Basketball Jones, but different, and not Eggtooth Jones – the two shouldn’t be confused.  The encounter thus:
Fang: Teacher?
Shaolin Jones:see your talents have gone beyond the mere physical level. Your skills are now at the point of spiritual insight. I have several questions. What is the highest technique you hope to achieve?
Fang: To find the path to Shaolin Mastery and to have no technique, only mojo. And eat sandwiches and premium Babybel cheeses.
Shaolin Jones: Very good. What are your thoughts when facing an opponent?
Fang: There is no opponent. Only the ESF.
Shaolin Jones: And why is that?
Fang: Because many fear the ESF, and we achieve.
Shaolin Jones: So, continue…
Fang: The ESF is louche and misunderstood and feared and benevolent, and principled. Never tense, always ready. Not thinking, yet not dreaming. Ready for whatever may come. When the ESF expands, the galaxy contracts. When the galaxy contracts, the ESF expands. And when there is an opportunity, the ESF biases towards spectacle with a modicum of performance. We float, we vibrate, look at us now…
Shaolin Jones: Now, you must remember: the enemy has only images and illusions behind which he hides his true motives. Destroy the image and you will break the enemy.
Fang: You are wise Shaolin Jones. I will now go to seek Shaolin Mastery, following the path, and living the principles.  Uh, hey – could you text me the Principles?
Shaolin Jones: yes, live the Principle and the path to Mastery will show itself to you.
Fang: Awesome. Thanks Shaolin Jones. 

The Shaolin Principles

  • 劍聖彎曲在風再扣回用武力 (A Juggernaut bends in the wind, then snaps back with forc
  • 仁者你是 (Benevolent be)
  • 呼吸。不要忘了波旁 (Breathe – and do not forget the bourbon)
  • 自然運動和夜間騎馬和微調整持有的所有關鍵 (Natural movement and night riding and micro-adjustments holds all key)
  • 是不是有 (Be not there)
  • 超自然在您的想法,並在精英自己的行為 (Be supernatural in your thoughts, and elite in your actions)
  • 奇觀。而性能一點點 (Spectacle. And a little bit of performance)
  • 保持試劑盒 從不損害試劑盒的任何其他 (Maintain the kit, never compromising the kit to any other)
  • 劍聖的目的不是為了打架,而是羞辱他們的對手,他們喝啤酒,並竊取他們的女朋友。這是所有 (Juggernaut’s purpose is not to fight, but to humiliate their rivals, drink their beer, and steal their girlfriends. That is all)
  • 以質取勝是自我的一種表達。不惜一切代價 (The idea, “to win,” is an expression of ego – win at all cost)
  • 該志是精神的動物 並遵循心靈的和諧的氣息 (The chi is the spirit animal and follows the mind in harmony with the breath)
  • 沒有技術,只有魔力 (No technique, only mojo)
  • 據說,是聲名狼藉。你不要反悔聲名狼藉……又像風,火,大地和石頭…. (It is said, be louche. Be unrepentantly louche … and like wind, and flame, and earth and stone…)

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Now please watch Kung Fu Hustle in its entirety: