And the Winner of the Annual Juggernaut Golden Cobblestone is…

The Juggernaut Golden Cobblestone traveling award is given to the team rider who has most clearly displayed true Juggernaut qualities during the previous calendar year. The award is kept in the possession of the recipient for the duration of one year at which point it is passed to the next winner. The prize is typically displayed in a prominent place such as the dashboard of a car or in a metal cage attached to a rope chain worn around the neck. The value of the Golden Cobble is estimated to be in excess of $100,000*.

The 2016 winner of the Juggernaut Golden Cobblestone is White Dynamite for traveling under cloak of secrecy from California to North Carolina to the Pisgah 111 race course unannounced to his team mates. He didn’t have to do it. He could have just stayed in Laguna Beach where its always nice. But no, while many Juggernauts sat the race out, probably doing sad or socially unacceptable activities instead, Dyno got himself to the line and rode to glory. It was the greatest display of Juggernaut swagger this year and for that, Dyno is regaled with our highest honor.

Second place goes to El Guapo who was on the podium every weekend and continues to be the most legit rider on the team.
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Third place goes to Fang who made his hand look like his foot.
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To the runners up and the rest of the Jugg brethren, as they say in the place where everything rhymes, “tough titty little kitty”. Better luck next year suckers.

*Cobblestone value may vary by $100,000. Actual cobblestone was found in Rock Creek Park moments after Angry Cernich flipped over a log during a night ride and smashed his nuts.

Five Steps to Success in CX Racing

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Step 1: Show up late and slightly buzzed
Step 2: Line up in the back row
Step 3: Check entry to make sure you are sandbagging like a mofo
Step 4: Pass 100 or so people on your mountain bike
Step 5: Wrap up your season after one race

This is a good example of how we dish it out in the CX scene:

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Editors note: In this instance, and probably only this instance, we, the Juggernaut, are represented by the huge black man in the example.

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Juggernauts Detained in Elaborate Sting Operation

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During the 2016 MOCO Epic the Juggernaut ESF was momentarily detained in an elaborate sting operation by several women with fake mustaches and futuristic pistols after being lured into a wooded area with free beer. A devious yet effective method of entrapment. Feeling pleasantly buzzed yet wary of further persecution, the Juggernaut made quick work of the remaining ride and gave the MOCO trails a much deserved spanking.

Pookie, unaware of the impending police raid:img_1248img_1245

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Gorka Gets Drunk and Sleeps in Van During Gran Fondo

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And you may find yourself sleeping in the back of a van
And you may find yourself with a serious morning buzz
And you may find yourself using your socks for a pillow
And you may ask yourself
Well…How did I get here?

While much of the Juggernaut site content is based in outright lies, the story of the 2016 Jeremiah Bishop Gran Fondo is easy to tell. Thor and Pookie knocked out 107 miles of the best of the best, Gorka got drunk and slept in his van.

Click to check out the route:screen-shot-2016-10-12-at-9-16-17-pm

Enjoy the gallery of Pook:

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Juggernaut Riders Come Within Two Hours of Winning 18th Annual SM100

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Juggernaut, you must be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way through it. Outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless and shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. If you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle. If you put a Juggernaut into the SM100, it becomes the SM100. Be water, Juggernaut. Be the SM100.

It was with these spiritual words of guidance that the Jugg Elite Squad tackled the 18th Annual SM100. El Guapo, Happy Fun Ball, Thor, Gorka, and Pook were all narrowly edged out of the win by a slim 2 hour margin. At the finish, as the top 10 finishers were sealed back into their hyperbaric chambers by their handlers the Juggernauts pounded beer into wee hours of night under an endless blanket of stars begging the question – who were the real winners?

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Awwww yeah, drone footage:

Check out this badass flyover:screen-shot-2016-09-15-at-3-35-07-pm

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Juggernauts Befriend Crazy Old Pimp

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Long known for their policy of benevolence, the Juggernaut Elite Squad befriended an old crazy pimp in the streets of Carson City Nevada. We don’t judge. Whether you a pimp or a pope, the Juggernaut is your compadre. Transcripts from the encounter:

Jonny One Thumb: Hey pimp, how’s pimpin’ in these parts?
Pimp: I’m not actually a pimp fellas, I invented mountain biking back in the 70s and now I smoke weed and speak in marathon streams of consciousness.
Dyno: Ha! You can’t fool us brother – how much for Princess Leia?”
Pimp: She’s not a prostitute guys…
Guapo: Tiene burros sexo?
Pimp: That’s messed up bandito. I’m going wander off down this alley which admittedly does make me look even more like a pimp.

And with that the pimp went on his way, richer for knowing the Juggernaut.