Five Steps to Success in CX Racing

screen-shot-2016-10-31-at-3-55-35-pm

Step 1: Show up late and slightly buzzed
Step 2: Line up in the back row
Step 3: Check entry to make sure you are sandbagging like a mofo
Step 4: Pass 100 or so people on your mountain bike
Step 5: Wrap up your season after one race

This is a good example of how we dish it out in the CX scene:

giphy

Editors note: In this instance, and probably only this instance, we, the Juggernaut, are represented by the huge black man in the example.

screen-shot-2016-10-31-at-3-56-07-pm  screen-shot-2016-10-31-at-3-55-47-pm screen-shot-2016-10-31-at-3-55-57-pm

Advertisements

Shamanistic Rituals and Blitzing the Slickrock

TG16-Z50-500S-50

White Dynamite stood in the center of the room, swaying from side to side, chanting, “great sky, please come here.” His eyes were closed, and he gripped a cluster of multicolored cloth strips. His voice was rough and the melody repetitive, like an ancient ballad. “Oh, my spirit, I would ride ten Mongolian cows to see you,” he roared.

Six of us had gathered around, sitting on stools pushed up against the walls of our St. George mountain bike dojo. It was just after midday, the “horse hour,” according to the zodiac clock. For White Dynamite the noon hour is the perfect time to go on an otherworldly ride. “Sky of the wolf, please help me, a man in need, with a heart of peace. Great sky, please enter our dojo.” Juniper twigs burning in a cast-iron stove gave off a fragrant scent; the smoke is believed to attract spirits. Blankets draped on the walls to keep in the heat made the room seem even smaller, and in the corner opposite the door was a collection of amulets, figurines, colored scarves, bits of cloth, and other talismans—a shrine to White Dynamite’s guardian spirits.

Suddenly he collapsed. Two helpers caught him, and he gave a wolflike howl. Then he cackled like the villain in a horror movie. “The spirit has entered him,” Pookie, whispered.

And so began our 2016 conquest of the Desert Southwest. Juggernaut style. Mercedes sprinter van, dyno-sized lodging, and case upon case upon case of beer. We banged out our respective 50s on the True Grit course and then hit the high country for Jem, Cryptobionic, Hurricane Rim, and Gooseberry jam sessions.

Results: Guapo, 7th in Masters 40; Fang, 7th in Masters 50; rest of us… we were there.

Oh, and we met this lunatic and unwittingly became embroiled in a community dispute over a huge metal bull dong:

Screen Shot 2016-03-24 at 1.07.08 PM

This is where we pedalled:

Screen Shot 2016-03-24 at 12.52.00 PM Screen Shot 2016-03-24 at 12.51.35 PMScreen Shot 2016-03-24 at 12.51.07 PM

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Screen Shot 2016-04-21 at 11.36.52 PM

Editors note: As is our practice at Juggernaut HQ, this entry has been heavily plagiarized.

Straight Outta Brompton

It was just a matter of time before the Juggernaut had a World Champion on their hands. Fang will be wearing the rainbow stripes of the Brompton Veteran World Champion in 2016. Hell, we’re all going to be wearing the rainbow stripes. We’re World Champions through osmosis. The race went down like this: Fang unfolded his bike and put down 10 miles of raw power in the rain while wearing a purple tux. That’s the whole story.

11875291_454931738048735_457052506_n 11856843_746303692168888_51763407_n 11881902_926546667418980_990562830_n

Fang vs SM100 – The Shaolin Principle

kareem-abdul-jabbar-adidas-frenchkix-1200x800
Founded on principle, the Juggernaut is swift and unyielding in its judgments.  After two night rides without a flask, Fang banished himself to the unrelenting hell of the Shenandoah Mountain 100.  His sentence to ride and finish with a Juggernaut flask full of bourbon – untouched until the race was done.

During the crucible of the death climb Fang had a vision that revealed the principles that shall guide the ESF on the path to Shaolin Mastery.  It came in an encounter with Shaolin Jones – like Basketball Jones, but different, and not Eggtooth Jones – the two shouldn’t be confused.  The encounter thus:
Fang: Teacher?
Shaolin Jones:see your talents have gone beyond the mere physical level. Your skills are now at the point of spiritual insight. I have several questions. What is the highest technique you hope to achieve?
Fang: To find the path to Shaolin Mastery and to have no technique, only mojo. And eat sandwiches and premium Babybel cheeses.
Shaolin Jones: Very good. What are your thoughts when facing an opponent?
Fang: There is no opponent. Only the ESF.
Shaolin Jones: And why is that?
Fang: Because many fear the ESF, and we achieve.
Shaolin Jones: So, continue…
Fang: The ESF is louche and misunderstood and feared and benevolent, and principled. Never tense, always ready. Not thinking, yet not dreaming. Ready for whatever may come. When the ESF expands, the galaxy contracts. When the galaxy contracts, the ESF expands. And when there is an opportunity, the ESF biases towards spectacle with a modicum of performance. We float, we vibrate, look at us now…
Shaolin Jones: Now, you must remember: the enemy has only images and illusions behind which he hides his true motives. Destroy the image and you will break the enemy.
Fang: You are wise Shaolin Jones. I will now go to seek Shaolin Mastery, following the path, and living the principles.  Uh, hey – could you text me the Principles?
Shaolin Jones: yes, live the Principle and the path to Mastery will show itself to you.
Fang: Awesome. Thanks Shaolin Jones. 

The Shaolin Principles

  • 劍聖彎曲在風再扣回用武力 (A Juggernaut bends in the wind, then snaps back with forc
  • 仁者你是 (Benevolent be)
  • 呼吸。不要忘了波旁 (Breathe – and do not forget the bourbon)
  • 自然運動和夜間騎馬和微調整持有的所有關鍵 (Natural movement and night riding and micro-adjustments holds all key)
  • 是不是有 (Be not there)
  • 超自然在您的想法,並在精英自己的行為 (Be supernatural in your thoughts, and elite in your actions)
  • 奇觀。而性能一點點 (Spectacle. And a little bit of performance)
  • 保持試劑盒 從不損害試劑盒的任何其他 (Maintain the kit, never compromising the kit to any other)
  • 劍聖的目的不是為了打架,而是羞辱他們的對手,他們喝啤酒,並竊取他們的女朋友。這是所有 (Juggernaut’s purpose is not to fight, but to humiliate their rivals, drink their beer, and steal their girlfriends. That is all)
  • 以質取勝是自我的一種表達。不惜一切代價 (The idea, “to win,” is an expression of ego – win at all cost)
  • 該志是精神的動物 並遵循心靈的和諧的氣息 (The chi is the spirit animal and follows the mind in harmony with the breath)
  • 沒有技術,只有魔力 (No technique, only mojo)
  • 據說,是聲名狼藉。你不要反悔聲名狼藉……又像風,火,大地和石頭…. (It is said, be louche. Be unrepentantly louche … and like wind, and flame, and earth and stone…)

image1

Now please watch Kung Fu Hustle in its entirety:

 

The Double Dare: El Guapo One Step Closer to King of Pisgah

pisgah55_2015-2

Mention the words Pisgah 111 in Juggernaut company and you will get a mixed set of reactions. Some will tell stories of a land that time forgot and root ladders that ascend into the clouds. Others will crack a wry smile and tell you of punishing climbs, fast technical descents, and bottomless coolers of burritos at the finish. All will visibly cringe when recalling a finish line stunt that may prove to outweigh the greatest misdeeds against humanity that history has ever witnessed. Bottom line, the 111 is a nasty mofo.

But quite possibly the only thing nastier than the Pisgah 111 itself is having to race its little brother the Pisgah 55.5 the following day. They call it the Double Dare. Although the 55 is only half the distance, it packs more than ¾ of the climbing of the previous day’s 111. In total the two races equal over 100 miles of distance and 18,000+ feet of elevation in the unforgiving Pisgah backcountry — including back-to-back days finishing on the horrific Laurel Mountain/ Pilot Rock/ Black Mountain route of death and despair.

Guapo was asked in a pre-race interview what he thought his chances were for finishing the back to back challenges:

“It is much easier on a bike than say on a burro, or an old mining cart. I’ve got this,” he said in a voice that sounds like Tuco from the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

Although there were some dark moments in the primordial forest, Guapo was able to bring glory to the ESF with bike and self physically, if not mentally, intact. Another step in the quest for King of Pisgah bragging rights.

El Guapo Results:
Day 1 – Pisgah 111K:  22nd place overall, 4th place Masters (7hr 56min)
Day 2 – Pisgah 55.5K: 13th place overall, 3rd place Masters (5hr 18min)

pisgah111_2015-1 pisgah55_2015-3

Editors note: Proper podium technique. El Guapo is too busy drinking beer to get out of the blackout kit.

Greenbrier Classic 2015: MTB Wonderland or Seventh Level of Hell?

59855155-201A3457

List of Event Grievances and Eventual Forgiveness
1) Races that start at 2pm on a Sunday = automatic bummer. 2) There were freaking huge snakes. Huge. Snakes. 3) Nobody hung around to drink beer – except me. Two post-race Deviant Dale tall boys. Whooot! 4) I’m convinced there is a powerful magnetic field deep within the Catoctin Mountains that can render my drivetrain semi-useless. 100% useless would be OK, semi-useless is worse because it means you have to keep pedaling. Like dragging a boulder. 5) It was too hot to punch dance my rage out in a nearby wooded glen.

Buzzkill.

Then again, the course does rip. Punchy climbs, nasty rock gardens, a couple screaming descents. Awwwww yeah. Freaking fun. Maybe you’re not the seventh level of hell Greenbrier. I take it back. You’re somewhere in between.

59855154-201A3374

Thor: Cat 1 42-44 Bronze

PMBAR 2015: Fang’s Great Sacrifice

IMG_6765

Editors’s Note: This site is mainly comprised of plagiarism.

Bicycle racing is nothing without sacrifice and in the 2015 edition of PMBAR Thori “Fang” Wolfe set the standard in an incomparable “beau geste.” Starting the race as a support rider for the legendary El Guapo, Fang proved to be the revelation of the race. Easily the day’s most thoroughly chamois creamed rider, Fang drank several beers after midnight the night before the race, rivaling his leader El Guapo. He also had a cooler backpack than Guapo. When El Guapo destroyed his bike on the descent of the Pen de Turquie, his chances to win “King of Pisgah” appeared over. But Fang came to the rescue. While eating a Baybel cheese, Fang, who once dreamed of winning PMBAR, handed his bike to El Guapo and said “No, no, you must carry on. Win PMBAR Guapo. Bring glory to the ESF. Also, FYI, the front brakes don’t work.” He then sat on a stone fence, waiting for help to arrive and wept, knowing his own PMBAR chances were over.

And as Fang wept, the remaining four Juggernauts rode off into the wilderness for another 7 hours, each wishing that they had been wise enough to sacrifice their bike and spend the afternoon drinking beer at the HUB.

Race report: Guapo, Thor, Dyno, Gorka – two man teams, 15th and 16th places out of 75 with a little over an hour of f’ing around with broken stuff thrown in there. Respectable. This is where we went:

IMG_0789

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

IMG_6732 IMG_6766 IMG_6764 IMG_6763Don’t just eat a burrito, live it.