Juggernaut Riders Come Within Two Hours of Winning 18th Annual SM100

14258117_1178535562207067_3334853476976749586_o

Juggernaut, you must be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way through it. Outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless and shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. If you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle. If you put a Juggernaut into the SM100, it becomes the SM100. Be water, Juggernaut. Be the SM100.

It was with these spiritual words of guidance that the Jugg Elite Squad tackled the 18th Annual SM100. El Guapo, Happy Fun Ball, Thor, Gorka, and Pook were all narrowly edged out of the win by a slim 2 hour margin. At the finish, as the top 10 finishers were sealed back into their hyperbaric chambers by their handlers the Juggernauts pounded beer into wee hours of night under an endless blanket of stars begging the question – who were the real winners?

14310551_1178600238867266_7409179467142244552_o 14352022_1178536445540312_8316142935879448117_o67789011-400-499-554

Awwww yeah, drone footage:

Check out this badass flyover:screen-shot-2016-09-15-at-3-35-07-pm

67699520-0-99-51 67699521-0-99-308

 

 

Fang vs SM100 – The Shaolin Principle

kareem-abdul-jabbar-adidas-frenchkix-1200x800
Founded on principle, the Juggernaut is swift and unyielding in its judgments.  After two night rides without a flask, Fang banished himself to the unrelenting hell of the Shenandoah Mountain 100.  His sentence to ride and finish with a Juggernaut flask full of bourbon – untouched until the race was done.

During the crucible of the death climb Fang had a vision that revealed the principles that shall guide the ESF on the path to Shaolin Mastery.  It came in an encounter with Shaolin Jones – like Basketball Jones, but different, and not Eggtooth Jones – the two shouldn’t be confused.  The encounter thus:
Fang: Teacher?
Shaolin Jones:see your talents have gone beyond the mere physical level. Your skills are now at the point of spiritual insight. I have several questions. What is the highest technique you hope to achieve?
Fang: To find the path to Shaolin Mastery and to have no technique, only mojo. And eat sandwiches and premium Babybel cheeses.
Shaolin Jones: Very good. What are your thoughts when facing an opponent?
Fang: There is no opponent. Only the ESF.
Shaolin Jones: And why is that?
Fang: Because many fear the ESF, and we achieve.
Shaolin Jones: So, continue…
Fang: The ESF is louche and misunderstood and feared and benevolent, and principled. Never tense, always ready. Not thinking, yet not dreaming. Ready for whatever may come. When the ESF expands, the galaxy contracts. When the galaxy contracts, the ESF expands. And when there is an opportunity, the ESF biases towards spectacle with a modicum of performance. We float, we vibrate, look at us now…
Shaolin Jones: Now, you must remember: the enemy has only images and illusions behind which he hides his true motives. Destroy the image and you will break the enemy.
Fang: You are wise Shaolin Jones. I will now go to seek Shaolin Mastery, following the path, and living the principles.  Uh, hey – could you text me the Principles?
Shaolin Jones: yes, live the Principle and the path to Mastery will show itself to you.
Fang: Awesome. Thanks Shaolin Jones. 

The Shaolin Principles

  • 劍聖彎曲在風再扣回用武力 (A Juggernaut bends in the wind, then snaps back with forc
  • 仁者你是 (Benevolent be)
  • 呼吸。不要忘了波旁 (Breathe – and do not forget the bourbon)
  • 自然運動和夜間騎馬和微調整持有的所有關鍵 (Natural movement and night riding and micro-adjustments holds all key)
  • 是不是有 (Be not there)
  • 超自然在您的想法,並在精英自己的行為 (Be supernatural in your thoughts, and elite in your actions)
  • 奇觀。而性能一點點 (Spectacle. And a little bit of performance)
  • 保持試劑盒 從不損害試劑盒的任何其他 (Maintain the kit, never compromising the kit to any other)
  • 劍聖的目的不是為了打架,而是羞辱他們的對手,他們喝啤酒,並竊取他們的女朋友。這是所有 (Juggernaut’s purpose is not to fight, but to humiliate their rivals, drink their beer, and steal their girlfriends. That is all)
  • 以質取勝是自我的一種表達。不惜一切代價 (The idea, “to win,” is an expression of ego – win at all cost)
  • 該志是精神的動物 並遵循心靈的和諧的氣息 (The chi is the spirit animal and follows the mind in harmony with the breath)
  • 沒有技術,只有魔力 (No technique, only mojo)
  • 據說,是聲名狼藉。你不要反悔聲名狼藉……又像風,火,大地和石頭…. (It is said, be louche. Be unrepentantly louche … and like wind, and flame, and earth and stone…)

image1

Now please watch Kung Fu Hustle in its entirety:

 

SM100 Delivers Massive Hammer Blow to Collective Juggernaut Nutsack

10632549_1551161871769381_1565023902_n

The SM100 handed out a big fat stinking sack of discomfort to the Juggernaut this year. We’re all feeling a bit tired. Not pedaling real lively. Not so excited about inclines. Except Gorka who nearly broke his  PR of 9:16 but rolled in at 9:17. Denied. Likely because of the unbearable load of bad karma following him everywhere. He also came no where near breaking the all time Juggs SM100 record of 9:07 which will now likely stand forever.

Thor rolled in at 9:52 and proceeded to give himself a lobotomy with a tire lever in order to forget the last 40 miles of riding.

10654913_1480844998843362_1793472605_n

Fang, wisest of us all, came home in a pickup truck before having to ride the death climb and just sat around and drank beer. Brilliant move sir.

Things That Are Similar to the Shenandoah 100

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Opening a cookie jar and finding a severed gorilla hand inside. Lying down for a nap in a field of freshly cut grass and then having a llama or emu accidentally step on your nuts. Drop-kicking a football at a picnic and realizing too late it’s a dead carp and having it explode all over you. That is to say, it’s f’ing awesome, until it isn’t. Tough rolling in the rain and muck at the SM100 this year for the Juggs but we will be back and we will sweep the podium even if we have to cheat. Editors note: The new Narrowback is incredibly great.

Juggernaut Spring Training Camp: Franklin WV

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Scene One:
Setting: A gas station at the north end of Franklin WV. Three Juggernauts enter, mill about, select a variety of beer flavors, and head to the counter. A woman with four teeth enters the store and pauses, eyes wide, and clasps hands to face.
Four-tooth woman: OH MY GOD YOU LOOK JUST LIKE NEIL PATRICK HARRIS!
Juggernaut #1 that kind of looks like Neil Patrick Harris (NPH) blinks eyes in astonishment.
Juggernaut #2: I’m euphoric right now.
Four-tooth woman’s boyfriend walks toward Juggernaut #1
Four-tooth woman: WELL HE DOES! JUST LOOK AT HIM!
Juggernaut #1 remains motionless. Four-tooth woman’s boyfriend looks at him.
Juggernaut #1: This is awful.
Juggernaut #2: This is the greatest thing ever in the history of the world.
Four-tooth woman and four-tooth woman’s boyfriend walk by and select bag of Doritos.
Juggernaut #1 and #2 exit store.
Juggernaut #3 emerges from wherever the hell he was.
Juggernaut #3: What just happened? Did you see that chick with four teeth?

And so it began, with ridicule. But it ended in glory. Juggernaut Spring Training Franklin Edition 2013. A whole lotta awesome. 140+ miles of backcountry road riding. Halfway to the top of Mt Everest in elevation gain. Perfect weather, a few boozy concoctions in the evening to keep us right, and two altercations with vehicles exiting wormholes from other dimensions at Mach 6. Off track betting of the highest order in the evening with Virginia Gentleman Mint Julips prepped by Tom for Derby Day. Next up, Transylvania Epic and additional layers of freewheeling awesomeness.